Find Me the Face

Find me the face is a BBC3 program billed as a “documentary series in which two of the UK’s top model scouts, Becky Southwick and Jody Furlong, compete to find new talent.”

And I suppose it is, but the BBC’s description fails to convey what excruciating viewing it is thanks, primarily to Ms Southwick.

In the search for models (pronounced mod-duhs) who fit the show’s brief (lingerie, catwalk girl, beauty girl, etc) Becky and Jody take to the UK’s cities. Jody chuckles his way through encounters with pretty girls like a baby watching its mum making goo-goo noises and silly faces, while Becky grumpily proclaims that she’s just really pissed off because “This city is full of mingers” or “People here have been eating all the fucking pies.” Bless her.

Becky, who’s no size zero beauty herself, approaches her targets as if they were cattle at an auction. First she asks them if they’ve done any modeling before. If the answer is yes, cue a tantrum and the explanation – if the girl is lucky – “you don’t fit my brief.” Becky then talks to camera while the bemused girl wonders what just happened.

If the poor thing is lucky enough to get over that hurdle Becky will set about examining her. Sometimes their hips are a bit big, other times they have mild acne, but whatever is wrong with them, we can be sure that Becky will announce it to them, and to the audience, lovely chap that she is.

When the lovely Gok Wan – of How To Look Good Naked fame – calls a woman taking part in his show “my girl” it’s endearing. In fact, I have oft wished that one day I might be Gok’s girl (preferably without having to first experience the crippling insecurity and then the shame of stripping down to my m&s pants on TV that all his other girls endure.) But there’s something sinister about Becky calling the contestants she has picked her girls, you get the feeling she may have just taken ownership of their souls.

Anyway, the contestants are gradually whittled down to a final two. One each from the girls Becky and Jody have found. At this point Becky’s malignant attentions turn. She’s clever enough to realise there’s no point complaining about the one she’s left with. She now declares her girl the best and starts dissing Jody’s model to camera.

If the unthinkable should happen and Jody should win, Becky manfully takes it on the chin… along with cries of “they’re not looking for the right thing,” “I’ve been in this business for 12 years,” and “it’s just not FAIR.”